WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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