He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
