I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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