We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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