i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
