Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
