So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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