Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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