Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
True strength comes from lack of pants
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
