dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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