I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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