I met the friendliest cop last night
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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