Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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