A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
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