I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
