I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need water and some morals
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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