They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
