i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
