i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize