I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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