Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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