Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
