just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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