Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
