and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I pour the whiskey from now on
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
