And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
