This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
