I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
