I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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