First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
