There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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