well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
