I can't breathe out the right side of my face
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
