Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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