I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
