That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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