she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
