If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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