you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
