I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
