I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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