I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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