saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
