I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
