I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
