Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
