We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
