Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
