I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
