If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
