How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
