I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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