God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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