if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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