I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
