hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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