Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
