i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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