Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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